Breaking: Sophisticated Al-Qaida Terrorist Network Replaced by Morons

Dream's End has learned that the Al-Qaida Terrorist (or trrrssst as Bush pronounces it) Network has suffered some sort of internal coup. Perhaps even Bin Laden himself has been captured or killed. Our evidence? Simple:

You may have noted the unusual raising of the terror alert level to "orange" in only three places, NYC, New Jersey and DC. In fact, the intelligence leading to this rise in alert level was far more specific than that. Our Department of Security for the Fatherland announced that they've discovered exactly which buildings will be targeted. They announced those buildings publicly.

Clearly, any terrorist network worth its salt will flip over to CNN from whatever reality program they happened to be watching, note that Ridge was onto them, and CHANGE THE FREAKIN' TARGET. I can envision the chatter this way (please note, this is an entirely speculative recreation of a hypothetical conversation. I am not now, nor have I ever been a member of Al-Qaida.).

Terrorist One: Boss, turn on CNN quick!

Boss Terrorist: What? I'm watching Survivor. Leave me alone!

Terrorist One: No, Boss. This is serious. The Department of Fatherland Security has announced the targets we were planning to bomb. They're onto us!

Boss Terrorist: So pick another target! Now leave me alone, the commercial's almost over.

Granted, this conversation is not that realistic, as surely the Boss Terrorist would pick the new target. But then my Survivor joke wouldn't work, so I took some liberties.

Since the Protectors of the Fatherland felt comfortable announcing the target, clearly they have insider information that the former nearly omniscient and omnipowerful terrorist network was taken over by clueless idiots. Evidently, they envision the above conversation thusly:

Terrorist One: Boss, turn on CNN quick!

Boss Terrorist: What? I'm watching NOW, with Bill Moyers. Leave me alone!

Terrorist One: No, Boss. This is serious. The Department of Fatherland Security has announced the targets we were planning to bomb. They're onto us!

Boss Terrorist: SO WHAT? The only reason we are planning this attack is to support the candidacy of John Kerry. It doesn't matter if we pull it off or simply get caught in the process. In fact, I've got Kerry on the other line, so I've gotta go.

So there you have it! Soon, our Fatherland will have captured these dangerous terrorists and we'll all be safer.

Please note: The announcement of the raising of the alert level has nothing to do with any of the following:

Generating increased fear in order to manipulate the populace.

Setting the stage for further alerts to give more excuses to crack down on protests at the Republican Convention (as if they'd need any).

Setting the stage for going to Code Red in order to postpone elections.

Preparing us psychologically, in the event of an actual "terrorist attack" to hold the mutually contradictory beliefs that a) Terrorists succeeded in attacking the U.S. despite the fact that the Bush administration knew their exact plans and b) Only the Bush administration can save us from terrorist attacks.

Odd note to end with:

Somehow I came across the following website: Liberal Dose. That link takes you directly to an article about why this angry liberal (you know he's angry because he says 'fuck' a whole lot) is supporting Kerry. I can understand well meaning people with the "Anyone But Bush" philosophy. Fear is a powerful force. However, I took the time to make a few remarks in opposition to this view by hitting the "comments" button at the bottom of the article. Hit the link and you can see it...it's right on the bottom there...wait...wait...IT'S GONE!

Not only were my comments and the comments of another poster deleted, the very ability to make comments has been deleted! This may actually be a coincidence as Squawkbox, through whom I enable comments on this site, occasionally goes down, and perhaps this is the same thing here. However, I'd expect a little broken HTML code to appear on the page if that were the case, and I didn't notice any.

One more note, for those of you who are security minded. I certainly do not log the IP numbers (the identifying number for your computer over the internet) of visitors. However, I imagine Squawkbox may. In fact, I know nothing about those folks and they could be run by the NSA for all I know. So if you want to post but are worried about that sort of thing, go through some kind of anonymous proxy first, such as Anonymizer I don't want anyone getting into trouble for something they say on my site.

Dream's End...Protecting Your Security While Changing the World.*

*Offer not Valid in Texas and Florida