Monday, November 08, 2004

Here's the Secret Battle Plan for Fallujah

Although a Kurdish man recently fled the coop with the American battle plans for Fallujah in tow, they have not been released to the general public. The American forces are poised to enter the city which had an estimated population of 250,000 before 200,000 evidently decided to wait out the war in their summer homes.

Even if you believe that bullshit, that still leaves 50,000 civilians in Fallujah. Here now, in the words of one army officer, is the U.S. plan:

"We're going to start at one end of the city, and we're not going to stop until we get to the other," said Lt. Col. Pete Newell, a battalion commander from the U.S. Army's 1st Infantry Division.

"If there's anybody left when that happens, we're going to turn around and we're going to go back and finish it." link

Despite the rather simplistic and macabre nature of such a plan, victory is assured. You see, God is on their side. This philosophy is best summarized byColonel Gary Brandl of the United States Marine Corps:

"The enemy has a face. It is Satan's. He is in Fallujah, and we are going to destroy him." link

Another marine compared the coming battle to the Biblical David v Goliath. It was unclear which one he thought the U.S. was in that metaphor.

Fear not, my friends, Jesus is truly on the American side. As Our Savior said 2000 years ago:

"Yeah, verily, I say unto thee: forgive not thy enemies but blow them into tiny bits. And also the families of they enemies and again also their very pets. He who lives by the sword gets the hottest chicks."


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